i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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