thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
