i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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