Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Panties = found
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
