dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
