I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
