I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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