if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
