Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
