You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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