Duck Duck Cougar?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
