so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
