You're so nebulous sometimes
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
