hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
