Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
