You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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