Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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