I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
