Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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