My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
