First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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