Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I could fuck to npr.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
