Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
