I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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