Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
