I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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