What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
