someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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