Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
