Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
