I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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