Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
