Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
