If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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