1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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