I faked an abortion last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
