How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
