Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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