The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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