Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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