i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
