Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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