god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
