So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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