i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
