So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
