your thong is hanging out like whoa
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
