What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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