Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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