That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
