Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My cat gives me a boner
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
