I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We were destined to go to rehab together
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
