Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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