you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
