I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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